C. C. Harrison Weblog

Dear Friends seeking recovery in and through here-and-now application of the Savior’s offer of Atonement, . . .

The following post is the journal record of this morning’s dialogue with the Lord. In all humility I share it here. I have no intent or desire except to encourage and invite you to embrace the truth that it is possible for even an average, “garden-variety,” everyday housewife/church member to have the kind of experience Elder Scott modeled for us in his Oct. 2009 conference address.

My only other intent is to rejoice with you in the truth of His intent to have HDDMFB be a pathway back into opening the Book of Mormon and drawing on the fellowship of those whose testimonies it represents.

CH

November 22, 2009
4:29 a.m.
COLLEEN, I INVITE YOU, ENTREAT YOU TO LET GO AND TRUST GOD IN ALL THINGS AND RELAX AND LIVE.

I see: Trusting God in all things instantly neutralizes/casts out regret, resentment, guilt, shame, blame, bitterness, despair, fear, worry, anxiety, . . . and keeps sorrow at a minimum.

DO YOU REMEMBER (WILL YOU LET ME REMIND YOU) THAT STEP THREE IS ALL ABOUT THIS TRUE PRINCIPLE?

Turning to Step Three in HDDMFB, on page 45, I read:

Principle Three: Trusting God in all things is the highest form of worship I can extend to Him.

“Step Three: Made the decision to reconcile [myself] to the will of God, offer [my] whole soul as an offering unto Him, and trust Him in all things forever. (2 Nephi 10:24; Omni 1:26; Mosiah 3:19; 2 Nephi 4:34.)

Then I take the Book of Mormon in my hands, and the feeling is immediately “electric.” In other words my perception of the Spirit of God, of Truth, of Wisdom is immediately heightened, enhanced. I have not even opened the book yet, but the Spirit is somehow in and through the tangible artifact of the book, itself. What is it I feel an increase of? The Spirit of God, ultimately, of course.

But I feel a feeling of a multiple number of spiritual influences–all as one with God’s influence. The phrase from the scriptures is whispered through my mind, “so great a cloud of witnesses,” and in the eyes of my understanding (my mind’s eye as some would call it), I “see” Lehi, Nephi, Jacob, Mosiah, Benjamin, Alma, Alma, “Mori” (the Brother of Jared), Mormon, Moroni, Helaman, . . . and all the others. It feels like, by taking this book in my hands while opening my mind and heart to the spiritual reality it represents, I also have “so great a cloud of witnesses.” It is as if I have walked into a room with each one of them present–and all of them as one in their testimony of the living presence of the living Christ in their lives–even (by some) before He was born, and by all the others, after He was resurrected.

How amazing a witness the Book of Mormon is that Jesus Christ has been engaged, and is still engaged with those who seek Him in spirit and in truth.

Here and now: As I just transcribed the words, “so great a cloud of witnesses” I felt invited to go to the New Testament and find the actual verse those words are in. Here is what I was led to find and copy (using the electronic copy) into this morning’s record:

Hebrews 12:1-2 – WHEREFORE seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Wow! My heart leaps up, skips a beat with a surge of joy and love of (from and for) God! How sweet can the words of eternal life be? How like balm to my soul, like the sweetest food, the most amazing connection! The sense of the spiritual reality is made even more real to me. I feel myself being invited to “own” every word of these two verses, and so I continue to record the spiritual journey/communion of this hour:

“Let [me] lay aside every weight” becomes another witness of the testimony I keep hearing from the Lord that I need to lay aside all thought of my weight and how to control it by controlling, monitoring, managing my “naughty” behavior. I need to lay aside all that stress and all that fear and worry and lack of trust of God in all things. I need to trust that my offering of my heart and mind as best I can imperfectly offer them is sufficient to Him. I need to stop making Colleen out to be such a negative, sinful person, and instead “run the race” that is “set before [me] (live my life)–looking unto Jesus [trusting Him in all things], that He is and will remain faithful and have faith sufficient for us both–Himself in me and me in Him.

This, I see, is the equivalent to the Spirit of God inviting me to trust Him in all things, including my heart and mind. I do not have to live this hour or this day afraid of my own shadow (regret, resentment, bitterness, shame, blame, guilt, etc.)

Trusting Him in ALL things–especially in me if I relax and free fall into His promise of recovery–has been a 20 year challenge for me. I have had periods of doing that–free-falling in trust of Him in me–and always I have become more peaceful on the inside. So peaceful, in fact, that my need to act out with my various addictions has been lifted right out of my heart–or maybe a better way to say would be, it has been CROWDED right out of my heart by my letting go and trusting Him to be faithful to His word, His promise to come unto me (John 14:18 ). Trusting Him to be the Author and Finisher of “my” faith by giving me His own faith in Our Father in Heaven. When I worship Him with this degree of trust, I am blessed with His own faith in all things–that all things are working together for my good–because (though my efforts are stumbling (toddling) and imperfect, I do love God with all my heart, might, mind and strength–just as a little child loves her “daddy/abba” with all her soul. That doesn’t mean she can skip being a toddler and the falling down and the getting up. It doesn’t mean that she can suddenly speak anything but in the most childish terms. She still has a LONG way to go to be grown up into an adult like Him. But still she loves her “Papa” with all her childish, imperfect, immature heart, might, mind, and strength.

As I record these thoughts, these words, as they flow into my mind, I feel the witness of the Spirit of Truth that this is what it means to become “like a little child.” It means to get back in touch with my deepest, truest, most eternal, pre-existent (before falling into the temporary darkness of mortality) feelings toward God.

Like in the story of the little girl who brought her father his lunch as he was working in a deep hole, digging a well, it is my “Papa” who has said to me, “Jump into the darkness. I will catch you.” And He will, He has, He does–every time I trust Him even in the darkness, even in my falling.

Like the person hanging half-way down the cliff by a branch, who hears the voice of the Lord say, “Do you believe I created the branch that has broken your fall?” The person answers, “Yes, I do.” And the Lord replies, “Then let go and believe I will catch you.”

He has caught me. He has invited me under his wing, into the protection of His arms, wrapped safely in the robes of His righteousness.

I recently heard a wonderful Christian writer testify that once you have come unto Christ and cast your lot with Him, and given your whole soul as an offering unto the Father, as one with Christ in His offering–you can trust that you’re not going to turn around and rush out to revel in sin. The writer used the analogy of allowing the spirit of Babe Ruth to take up residence with you in your life and then being afraid that you’re going to rush out and take up ballet. Of course not! Living with Babe Ruth, in harmony–having him to instruct you and empower you–you’re going to be excited to practice doing what he’s all about–playing baseball.

And so it is when I rest in Christ’s promise to come in unto me and reside with me, in and through His light and the Gift of the Holy Spirit–I can trust my new self–this new “creature” in Christ–as one with Christ–to choose according to the influence of this indwelling perfection that is His Spirit–not my perfection, but His–that has taken up residence in me. In this state of oneness or unity with Jesus Christ, I can be free of all regret, resentment, anger, shame, blame, bitterness, despair, etc.

QUESTION: WHY DO WE PICTURE THAT WHEN CHRIST ASCENDED TO THE FATHER HIS PERSONAL, DIRECT INVOLVEMENT WITH US WAS DONE, AND THAT ALL THE REST OF US, WHO DIDN’T LIVE WITH HIM ON EARTH IN HIS MORTAL MINISTRY, HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH THE SECOND HAND EXPERIENCE OF RELYING ON HIS PROPHETS’ AND APOSTLES’ TESTIMONIES?

The testimony of the prophets of the Old and New Testaments, and of the Book of Mormon, and of the modern dispensation (beginning with the D&C and Joseph Smith’s plain and precious declarations) testify to us that we don’t have to make do, just get by, on testimony that is once-removed from the first-hand witness of Christ for ourselves—if we are willing to trust the spiritual mind to tune into the spiritual (non-sensory, non-empirical) reality/dimension all around us.

His own testimony to us, over and over, in the scriptures is that He will enter into a state of conscious communion–oneness of heart and mind–with us, and bring us to perfection–not instantly, or even totally in this life-time. We do not need to fear ourselves–old habits, choices, behaviors will fade away. Victory (complete freedom) will eventually be ours. We can trust Him in this. And we can trust Him in why it is taking however long it is taking to deliver us. He has His purposes and His reasons, and they are not always what we–in our childish, impatient minds–can comprehend. But what we can’t comprehend (for now, being little children)–we can trust. At least, I am willing to try. I am willing to practice trusting Him in all things.

*****

Let’s see, if I did that–if I trusted Him in all things (including all things in my heart) what would I do right now? I would follow the impression I am feeling to put this whole morning’s communion with Him and the thoughts and insights He has given me up on the web somewhere–either in a HtH post or in a Windhaven post, . . . or both.

Will I trust Him that much in me and through me into the hearts and minds and lives of other people? Will I lay my life on the line–open my living of this way of revelation up to others to see a glimpse of what it looks and sounds like to “converse with the Lord,” and to trust His Spirit to be available to me as close and kindly and tenderly and intimately as my dearest, most all-sharing, all-disclosing counselor and friend?

Hmm. The temptation to fear rises up in me. The negative “arrows” of fear of others’ negative opinions or interpretations of me start flying. Thoughts of others thinking I am being too “forward,” too disclosing, or that I am trying to “boast” somehow–show off or preempt others. That someone will think I am trying to attract others to follow me and to look to me for revelation. But I know, in my heart of hearts that my intent is the exact opposite of all that fear. My intent, my desire–the passion of my life–is to do only one thing:

to testify that Christ lives and stands at the veil and invites us all to come unto Him and be perfected in His perfection, as we counsel with Him in all our doings and invite Him to be one with us, and give our “whole souls” as an offering, and trust Him in all things–including our new life lived as one, born again in Him. (Mosiah 5.)

I choose to feel this temptation to fear and move past it and post this testimony—and share this morning’s lived experience–and I do it to our Father’s and our Savior’s glory and honor, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

August 23, 2009

5:34 p.m. Phil and I attended the final session of the dedicatory services for the Oquirrh Mountain temple at 3:00 p.m., today. Earlier in the day I had honestly expressed to the Lord my divided feelings about going, much in the spirit or manner of the man who admitted his imperfect faith to the Savior in Mark 9:24. I felt/ “heard”/perceived the thought (which I trust to be His thought) come into my mind and invite me to attend with Him. “We” will attend as one, He offered me to understand. And in “that spirit,” I went.

As soon as Phil and I sat down and began watching the images of the beautiful rooms in that temple, I was moved to tears, and in the eyes of my understanding, I saw not a negative impression or vision of what the Church spending this kind of money could be seen as, but instead I saw the most positive interpretation come into my understanding. Here’s what I wrote in my notebook: To know, as God does, that we are all so imperfect, and yet to offer us such a vision–such a tangible symbol! To provide for us the way and the means for us to worship Thee dear Lord with all our “might” and “strength” (our wealth and physical efforts.)

And then I became conscious of the words the Tabernacle Choir was singing in the background. I can’t remember the specific song, right now, but it’s lyrics spoke of such an ideal image of family and mortal life. And then tears really came up in my eyes, because I was seeing in the eyes of my understanding how much I–me, myself–love this Church for the way the God of our understanding does just that–holds those kind of ideals up in front of our minds, continually. Holding the ideal expression of human development and family life up in front of the whole world.

I know I have struggled mightily at times with the absolute fact that we are–none of us–even though we try to hope and pretend to be–living up to that ideal. We all fall short, and some of us fall very short–and some of us even use the ideals in the Church to hide horrible personal wicked intents and motives. Nevertheless, and not withstanding (trying to deny any of that), we are still the bearers of the “Greatest Story Ever Told,” – and that story includes not only our Savior’s living reality still every bit as available to us as possible through the gifts of the Spirit–it also includes our own amazing story. And I saw in the eyes of my understanding that it is that story–the one about us coming from the Celestial realms and being literal offspring of our a Man and Woman who have obtained Godhood, and being on an epic adventure here (ALL of us, without exception), and needing to rely wholly upon the merits of our Elder Brother to get us out of here and Home again—all of that amazing story is true. And that’s the story the LDS faith is holding up to the world, and that’s the story that the endowment represents–and tells us over and over and over again–hoping that we will someday wake up to the fact that it’s OUR OWN PERSONAL story too.

In the eyes of my understanding I saw, and with my spiritual mind/ears I heard the witness of the Lord that this ideal story is the REAL reality, and that the mortal reality is the “false” (as in very temporary, mock-up, scale model) reality.

Then the Spirit of the Lord brought to my attention the pictures of Minerva Teichert that adorn that temple’s wall (and others, of course), and then He reminded me of Minerva’s life–that she was so full of passion for her own vision of her art and in her lifetime it was hardly recognized by anyone. In fact, “the Church” (administered as well as peopled by less than perfect members) didn’t see the value in her work. But she didn’t let that stop her. She knew and she knew that God knew she knew her mission was to paint her heart out–no matter what others thought of her work. She was not a “cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all” Mormon woman, that’s for sure. She believed in herself and she knew God believed in her, too. And that’s all that mattered to her. And today, her paintings are honored to be part of the tangible worship service the temples represent.

Then the opening song began: “Holy Temples on Mount Zion” and these words rang through to my heart: “To our glorious King Emmanuel, . . . Let the mountains shout for joy . . . for the prisoners shall go free.” And my mind and heart was filled with the miracle of what I have witnessed in the 18 years since He Did Deliver Me from Bondage demonstrated the compatibility of the Twelve Steps with the principles of the gospel to the LDS community, and since HtH started its very minuscule but very sincere effort to create a safe place for LDS members to gather who were ready to admit complete defeat in battling their weaknesses and were willing to come unto Christ to find the power they could not muster on their own. And here we are, today, still doing whatever we can to keep that vision and dream going. We are truly all prisoners that have gone free and have every reason to shout right along with the mountains to our King Emmanuel (God with us), our Jesus (2 Nephi 33:6).

And all this before the opening prayer was even given!

And then in talk after talk I heard the “usual” stories rehearsed–of the families who had sacrificed so much to come to a temple. 27 hours one way for a family in South America to travel to the Buenos Aries temple. They made it, were sealed to their several children, but lost two to illness on their trip home. They had to bury them along the way. My goodness! It sounds like a story from 150 years ago!! And then a story about a bus load of Ecuadorian Saints who were held up at the border for 2 extra days (for a total of 5 days on the bus) to get through to attend the temple in Peru. They arrived in the middle of the night and when the temple president got a call that they were in town and headed up the hill to the temple, he rushed to the temple and had all the outside lights turned back on for them. When he entered the bus to greet them, everyone was in tears.

And I sat there and listened to these stories and I observed how “temporal” all these things are. They are all about “signs.” The sign of that first family’s devotion. The sign the temple president made by lighting the temple up at 3 in the morning for that bus load of weary members. And I was tempted to think somewhat negatively of all this temporal, physical demonstration of faith, all these actions and all this “big deal” being made around temporal things–and such costly things, too–as the physical symbols of the temples and even the physical symbolism that we enact in their rooms. And I felt the Lord so very, very patiently and tenderly whisper to me in the stillest and meekest of “voices,” and say spirit to spirit and heart to heart: Colleen, I meet my children at their level, at their needs. What you see taking place in my Church–all of the doing and the temporal, physical sign giving and sign-seeking is tailored to the exact needs of my children. You have my testimony of that. . . . And I was humbled and I was straightened and I saw that it is true. I saw that I can trust that everything that is happening in this Church is happening for a tender and compassionate and patient and longsuffering purpose in the Father’s and the Savior’s love for us–for we are just children to them. And like all children, we need structure and we need lots of repeated instructions and we need lots of patience and mercy. And like children, we get kind of “full-of-ourselves” and think we know better than others, . . . and sometimes (in my case, at least) better than the Lord.

Believe me, this was a most amazing temple dedication ceremony to attend. My heart is turned to the temple in a way I’ve never felt the depths and breadth and height of before. I am grateful to be LDS. I am grateful for a God that is this loving and patient and kind to His children–especially to this child.

I share this experience in the spirit of testimony and in the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

THIS IS HOW IT ALL BEGAN . . .
August 2, 2009
As I knelt down, this morning, to offer my formal “opening prayer” for the day to Heavenly Father, I automatically (20 years of imperfect buy persistent repetition) reached for my pen and notepad. I had to smile as the recognition whispered through my mind: “This is how it all began.” And it is so true. It began with my hearing a prophet say that it was a good idea to bring something to write with when I prayed–if I really wanted to demonstrate to God my faith that He would truly hear me and answer me. This is where over 20 years and 1000s of pages of conversations with God began for me. Over the years, I have come to know the delightful difference in the tone and timbre or “voice print” in my spiritual ears of the Father and the Son’s words to me.

I always have to muse on the fact that all I had to do to know there were two individual Beings at the other end of my God-ward thoughts was to address my thoughts to either one or the other. The words that come back into my mind have the authority of God in them, as one with each other–but they “sound” (feel/sound) different to me. And they both make me smile with the wave of warmth and love the “sound” of their voice introduces into my soul. It’s exactly like being able to call home from the midst of a really hard mission and hear my most perfect, tender, loving Father’s or Brother’s voices. I’ve heard others’ “voices,” as well, on this line that the Holy Spirit quickens my mind and heart to perceive. I have to admit that it takes faith in the goodness of Christ and His offer of at-one-ness, to receive and believe what I “imagine” I perceive, but as I do I have been able to communicate “at the veil” with loved ones continuing on in that spiritual realm to seek and serve our beloved Jesus. And as to the authenticity of it, I have no way to prove it–except to invite those who know my story and can observe “the fruit” thereof–to observe and prayerfully decide for themselves. Was Colleen just making her spiritual experiences and the life based on them up or not?

Nevertheless, it all began with taking a prophet at his word about actually writing down the answers (words and impressions) that came in the midst of prayer. Doing that has taught me by my own lived experience that Moses’ words in Numbers 11:29 are still true today. God still would that all his people knew His voice one-on-one, personally enough to be prophets. Any true prophet is thrilled to know others are coming to know the voice of the Lord this personally for themselves. Like Moses any true prophet would ask, “[Why] enviest thou for my sake?” if anyone tried to curtail revelation to just themselves. God would that all His people were experiencing a direct relationship based on two way honest communication–and there are no exceptions to this invitation. “Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden, . . .” “Counsel with me in all your doings . . .” “It is not the well that need a physician, but the unwell, . . .” There’s no end to His words inviting all and excluding none. It is ever and always the Liar’s influence that tries to persuade us to limit the Savior’s perfect and infinite condescension (willingness to meet us in our “stuff”) and walk and talk us out of the darkness into ever increasing light–until we have reached the perfect day–due totally to His merits (mercy, grace, patience, long-suffering willingness to love even the most broken and wounded leper or sinner–either one.)

This is my testimony. It burns stronger with every passing year. As I continue to watch my own inventory unfold and feel braver and braver to be fearless and thorough about my past and present inventory and see my own imperfections–all I can actually, really see is HIM–HIS brillance, HIS glory, HIS goodness. HIM. Truly, my story is HIS story–the story of HIS righteousness and none of my own. I pray that every word I have ever recorded–and that may ever be published will be “Another Testament of Jesus Christ.” . . .

July 9, 2009
3:49 a.m.  I don’t know why I’m staying up at this time of morning, except that it feels like Christmas, and I am filled with love for God and from God.  A “Power greater than myself” is waiting for me every morning that I choose to forgive and dismiss the first impulse that seizes me which is to start thinking negative, pressured, worried thoughts.  Some of them–the negative thoughts–I’m able to recognize the lie of immediately.  Some mornings, I have to bring them with me to the Lord, to God, to Christ, and seek His/Their counsel and assurance (comfort).

This morning, I knelt and I said aloud to the Father (using proper prayer language and all, . . . I think.  I was pretty focused on what I was saying–pouring out my heart with all the honesty I could muster, . . . so I might have used a “You” instead of a “Thou” a couple of times.), “Father, I don’t know what to do, this morning.  I don’t understand why You . . .” (yep, there’s the supposedly too improper pronoun.  I guess I did use it.  But, you know what?  I didn’t perceive my Heavenly Father even pick up on it.  I think maybe He was really listening to my heart, more than to my lips.  I think He was as into my honesty as I was.) Anyway, as I was saying, “Father, I don’t know what to do this morning.  I don’t understand why You wake me up every morning after only 5-5 ½ hours sleep.”  I’m reminded that it’s been going on for years, decades at this point, and it’s been a thousand times more a spiritual blessing than it has been a physical hardship.  And even if getting so little sleep meant that I was paying a physical price, would I rather have it the other way–trade the spiritual away to obtain the physical?  Not for a millisecond.  There’s a shared smile and a hug (in and through the Spirit to spirit connection of course.  I do have to admit that I see and hear and even feel Him, though, with my spiritual and not my carnal mind (D&C 67:10; Moses 1:11) and senses, and that memory, once filed in my brain is just as plain and clear, just as “real” as any memory of a past mortal experience), . . . and I’m invited to arise and shine forth as one with my Jesus (2 Nephi 33:6).

Every new morning, I check in with my Father and seek only one thing from Him–this Jesus of whom the prophets have written (Ether 12:41)–and every new morning the Father, with joy and rejoicing, gives me to His Son (D&C 50:41-42) and His Son to me–and testifies to me that I am not offending Him in the least to speak directly to His Son (Alma 36:18; 3 Nephi 19:22) and to listen directly to His Son (Matt. 17:5; 3 Nephi 11:7; JS-History 1:17.) And, in fact, that is exactly what He (my Heavenly Father) had been intending from the Beginning and trying to arrange between Jesus and I all along.

And once again, it’s Christmas morning.  Christ is here and I am born again, His daughter, . . . but oh, so much more, His Friend.  He becomes, for yet one more day, Everything to me.  “Unto me a child is born, unto me a Son is given, . . . and the government of my life today, shall be upon His shoulders.”  Even if that “government of my life” isn’t perfect.  Even if, as the child I am, I blunder and fall short of doing the exact right thing every moment–even if there turns out to be lots to forgive in me today.  He teaches me how.  Why?  Because He has taken the government (the management) of my life upon His shoulders from the Beginning, before I was born–in fact, before the world began.  He’s had me covered from the beginning.  Does knowing that make me want to run out and sin?  Run out and drown myself in unhealthy, not-right, addictive or compulsive behaviors?  No.  In fact, exactly the opposite effect settles into my heart.  My addictive urges ebb–slacken, drop off–to a degree that I can choose to forgive them and not follow them.  How and why does this happen?  It happens because, as I allow myself to come unto Christ and receive His living presence into my consciousness, such a degree of hope and peace and such a sense of fullness and satisfaction–knowing that He (and my Father who provided Him–my Savior) love me this much comes over me, I’m fortified, strengthened.  The “hole in my soul” is healed in the coming of Christ, again, this morning.

I am filled with awareness of my Father and my Savior’s love in providing this “high-adventure, wilderness camp” experience called mortality;  to help me plan the perfect plan of what challenges and what experiences would help me grow the most while I’m here; and then–above and beyond everything else–to pay ahead of time for any “train wrecks” I got into or even that I caused.  And in return, I have to do just one thing:  humble myself before Him and bring my goof-ups to Him.  Bring everything to Him.  My jumping-for-joy moments, and my pits-of-hell moments–even if I’m the one that got myself into hell.

Anyway, it’s a new morning, and I’m being invited by my dearest and nearest and very best Friend to open His next gift to me now–in this new hour. When the morning’s festivities and gift-giving and gift-enjoying has slowed down a bit–maybe after lunch–I’ll probably catch a nap.  After all, the old gray mare ain’t what she used to be, and by the grace of God, catching a nap is a doable thing in my life.

Oh, and what’s my gift to Him?  A believing heart and total trust that He meant it when He promised, “I will not leave you comfortless.  I (myself) will come to you.” (John 14:18)

Thanks for letting me share, . . .

As the reading for this morning’s 6:30 meeting, I drew some quotes from Elder Bruce R. McConkie’s article, “How to Get Personal Revelation,” published in the June, 1980 issue of the New Era.

“As a people, we are in the habit of saying that we believe in latter-day revelation. . . . But, ordinarily, when we talk in this way, we are thinking of Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, or Spencer W. Kimball. We are thinking of apostles and prophets—men who are called, selected, or foreordained to hold the positions that they hold and to do the ministerial service that is theirs. We are thinking of them and of the general principle of the Church itself operating by revelation.”

[b]“But what I desire to point attention to is the fact that revelation is not restricted to the prophet of God on earth. The visions of eternity are not reserved for Apostles—they are not reserved for the General Authorities. Revelation is something that should be received by every individual. God is no respecter of persons, and every soul, in the ultimate sense, is just as precious in his sight as the souls of those who are called to positions of leadership.”

“But my suggestion is that we need to devote an increasingly large portion of our time in the actual pursuit of knowledge in the spiritual realm. When we deal with spiritual realities, we are not talking about gaining something by reason alone, we are not talking about conveying in some way knowledge to the mind or the spirit that is within us through the senses alone, but we are talking about revelation. We are talking about learning how to come to a knowledge of the things of God by attuning the spirit that we have to the eternal Spirit of God. Such a course, primarily, is the channel and way that revelation comes to an individual.”

“We talk about latter-day prophets; we think in terms of prophets who tell the future destiny of the Church and the world. But, in addition to that, the fact is that every person should be a prophet for himself and in his own concerns and in his own affairs. It was Moses who said, ‘Would God that all the Lord’s people were prophets, and that the Lord would put his spirit upon them’ (Num. 11:29).”

–end of this morning’s reading–

The personal comments and reflections offered here are an expanded version of my sharing online, this morning:

I know there are some (both in the Church and outside of it) who think that the “Mormon way” is to follow our leaders like dumb sheep. They think that to “Follow the prophet” is the highest expression of faithfulness in LDS doctrine, but it is not the highest way for an LDS person to live. It is the Primary children’s song, because they are just that–children. The day will come, though for everyone of them–and for everyone of us–when they will have to experience what it means to receive personal revelation directly from God for themselves.

In another talk (Ensign, June 1971), Elder McConkie stated: “Religion comes from God by revelation and deals with spiritual things; and unless and until a man has received revelation, he has not received religion, and he is not on the path leading to salvation in our Father’s kingdom.”

And again Elder McConkie quoted the Prophet Joseph: “Joseph Smith said: ‘The Holy Ghost is a revelator.’ And, ‘No man can receive the Holy Ghost without receiving revelations.’ (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith [Deseret Book Co., 1968], p. 328.)

I have found that there is nothing else except exercising faith in this principle of personal revelation that comforts and counsels me at a place deep enough in my soul to reach the roots of my addictive urges. Only when I go to the Lord and seek His thoughts and impressions and strength am I satisfied and strengthened against the temptations and sins that otherwise so easily beset me.

This is all the woman who “wrote” HDDMFB did. She believed that if she prayed for words of wisdom and guidance from the Lord, and impressions of what to do to live free of her addiction–the Lord would give them to her. And He did.

I share these things to the praise and glory of our Heavenly Father and of His Son, our Savior–my Savior every hour I will forsake my idolatry and have Him be the only True and Living God.

Here’s the rest of my online sharing:

It is not the leaders who try to make themselves out to be THE only ones to have open access to God. I think that is plainly shown. It was ME, all those years, who did not believe and go to God—not until my addiction brought me down into absolute destitution–nothingness.

Only then was I in a “readiness to hear the word” as the Book of Mormon puts it. Only then did I stop trying to save myself by all my righteous doings (never once seeking personal, specific guidance from the Lord), and cry out as Alma, O Jesus, Thou Son of God, . . .” And lo and behold, He answered my prayer!! I mean literally, I heard an answering “voice”–and that was the beginning of recovery for me. I couldn’t even get started out of the pit of my idolatry to my addictions until I cried out to Him and He came into my mind and heart through the “portal” of His Light and I began to acknowledge that HE was the only name, way and means by which I could be saved.

In the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

There have been some posts of late addressing all the external, arm-of-flesh things a wife might try to do to “help” her husband and protect herself from having to put up with any more of his unrighteous choices, but I have never found any of them to be of any lasting effect. In fact, like Phil wrote in his post on the “General Sharing” thread–it always back-fired and only added to my loved one’s inclination to act out.

May I share with you all some thoughts that have brought me from the depths of heartache over having a s~x addicted first husband (who did not repent and actually acted out in a way that put him in prison).

The only thing that saved me was to turn to the depths of our faith’s teachings and to study, ponder and pray–specifically seeking the Lord’s Spirit and His Truth to come into my mind concerning this challenge.

Because of the years spent seeking the Lord above all others, I am able to offer my second husband, Phil (also a sexually addicted man) the gift of charity–Christ’s own pure love for him. And believe me, please–it is a gift from Christ to me and through me to Phil.

I am not capable of feeling pure love. I do not have a heart that is pure yet. I am still only a child of God. I am not a God–or in other words a fully mature Adult of our species. I cannot drum up perfect love, no matter how hard I try. Perfect love is what God has, what God is. I am not that, yet. I am willing to put down my will and my pride, though, and take my imperfect, fear-infected effort at love to the Lord Jesus and allow Him to open His heart and mind to my heart and mind and to teach me of His higher ways.

And I have learned from prayerfully pondering His life and His teachings as recorded in the scriptures, that God’s perfect love does not always manifest itself in meekness. Sometimes His perfect love called me to be bold and tough and unwavering. Other times (and sometimes when the very same set of outward circumstances were happening) His perfect love would call me to be filled with mercy and willingness to look past the circumstances.

In other words, what I learned from Jesus’ example is that He did not always “turn the other cheek” in the sense of allowing Himself to be harmed. There is the incident described in Luke 4:28-30, when because He had told them the truth, the people were going to harm Him, but He would not allow it. How in contrast that was to the time when it was given to Him by God (His Father in Heaven) to suffer harm for the sake of a greater cause–even through the agony of scourging and crucifixion!

Luke 4:28- 30
28 And all they in the synagogue, when they heard these things, were filled with wrath,
29 And rose up, and thrust him out of the city, and led him unto the brow of the hill whereon their city was built, that they might cast him down headlong.
30 But he passing through the midst of them went his way, . . . (Luke 4: 28 – 30)

Do you see how it is that I had to seek the Lord’s Spirit to help me to sort out the times when I should submit myself to unrighteous circumstances from those times when I should not stay and allow myself to be abused?

(Please feel free to stop here and turn to a journal page of your own or to a piece of binder paper or your keyboard and pour out your response to that question–yes or no–and why you can or can’t. In doing so you will find your own heart’s truthful feelings. And if you will do your writing, all the while sincerely desiring and prayerfully asking for the Lord’s insight, He’ll open revelation personal to you. I promise.)

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF FOLLOWING GOD’S SPIRIT TO SHOW THE WAY TO REACT

Nephi’s example of seeking the Lord’s will about what he should do in relation to his abusive, spiritually hot-and-cold brothers, was also a guide to me as I studied Nephi’s story.

One minute his brothers were manifesting repentance sincere enough to even open their mind to the visitation of an angel, and within a few days, the same individuals–Laman and Lamuel–were back to feeling bitterness toward Nephi and their father and the way they lived their lives in seeking to know and live God’s will.

And for years, as Nephi sought God’s will for him in his relationship with Laman and Lamuel, the answer always came back, “Keep hanging in there, Nephi. I, the Lord God, do not want you to give up on them yet. It is still my will for you to labor with them.”

Then one day the Lord told Nephi it was enough and that he should take all who would go with him and flee into the wilderness (2 Nephi 5:5).

2 Nephi 5:5 And it came to pass that the Lord did warn me, that I, Nephi, should depart from them and flee into the wilderness, and all those who would go with me.

FOR ME, GOD HAD TO BECOME THE CENTER OF MY LIFE

I had to put God first in my life and let everything else fall into its proper place (be made right) or drop out of my life (even if that meant I would have to separate myself from my loved one and take those who would go with me and flee into the “wilderness” — into a future I could not foresee).

When we put God [and the spiritual life] first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord [must] govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. (Ezra T. Benson, Ensign, May 1988, p. 4)

I had to put all my hope in Jesus Christ and His willingness to whisper His words into my mind through the influence of the Holy Spirit.

I had to realize that I could not wait until I was perfect to hope for the Spirit to give me the words of Christ to tell me all things that I must do. If I waited until I was perfect, I would never–-at least in this life–-hope to receive His direction.

Alma 37:37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

The perfection I had to count on, the perfect love I had to find hope in was His love–the love of the Lord Jesus for me. I had to hear the invitation in Moroni 10:32 as an invitation to come unto Christ just as I was–wracked with torment and full of very imperfect thoughts and feelings–and rely upon His perfection (“become perfect in Christ” are the words in the verse). I had to rely upon His grace (power to keep following in His ways) and His mercy toward me.

Moroni 10:32 – Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.

All the good advice (and sometimes not so good advice) of others–no matter how sincere and well-meaning) was good as far as it went, but there was something that it could not do. It could not bring me the peace that only His Spirit and His words could provide me in the “perfect storm” of my husband’s weaknesses and mine exploding into the open.

Yet no matter what the source of difficulty and no matter how you begin to obtain relief—through a qualified professional therapist, doctor, priesthood leader, friend, concerned parent, or loved one—no matter how you begin, those solutions will never provide a complete answer. The final healing comes through faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and obedience to His commandments. (Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May, 1994, p.7)

“Master, the tempest is raging! The billows are tossing high . . .” and all the rest of the words of that hymn were not just a song to sing at Church. I no longer had to wonder what it would feel like to sing those words and know the depth of their message. I was living it.

It has been years since the knowledge of my first husband’s sexual addiction wiped out every other hope of salvation except in and through coming to the Savior. I look back now and see that even in my darkest moments, my Savior walked on the raging waves of those years and established His peace in my heart. This peace is that which passeth understanding (makes no sense considering the circumstances).

This is my experience, my strength and my hope–all centered in the One Man who we can cleave unto with perfect trust (Jacob 6:5).

Jacob 6:5 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I beseech of you in words of soberness that ye would repent, and come with full purpose of heart, and cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you. And while his arm of mercy is extended towards you in the light of the day, harden not your hearts.

In the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Some Personal Reflections on Step One:

Admitting I Can’t Manage My Way Out of Addiction

May 22, 2009 – originally shared at the HtH online meeting

I could begin by sharing on my stubborn resistance to admitting that my life is “unmanageable,” as Step One asks of me.

My insistence on having to contribute some part to the triumph over my addiction always makes me think of Korihor–the anti-Christ–who preached that men prosper by “management of the creature” (Alma 30:17).  Any success I’ve ever obtained by trying to manage my addictive behavior, trying to focus on it, decide about it, etc. has always failed me sooner or later.  Oh, I’ve avoided acting out for a while, but that wasn’t the same thing as having the urge to act out taken away.  Or even deeper yet, the FEAR of the urge to act out has never left me.

Most recently, the Lord has led me through several years of sitting still and letting Him demonstrate for me His degree of patience and longsuffering and kindness toward me, even in my addictive behaviors.  I think I am finally understanding that it isn’t just the behaviors that He was intending, all along, to heal me of, but even more eternally important–it was my feelings of lifelong terror and obsession toward my weaknesses.

In other words, He has not only required me, this time around, to turn to Him to remove my weaknesses, but He’s also required me to sit still (and forego outward change) and instead sink deep into the reasons (character deficits in me) that He had for giving me these weaknesses to begin with (Ether12:27).

Always in the past (these 20+ years of knowing the steps and falteringly applying them), I came to Him in a sense of urgency about my addiction, filled with anxiety and impatience, desperate for Him to give me the power to manage this “creature” that I am and to keep this evil disposition of mine toward my addiction in check.  And He gave me what I asked for–all kinds external checks and controls–several times, and I lost lots of weight and appeared all wonderfully healed.  Everyone that wanted outward “healing,” (weight loss) defined me as their latest hope.

But, still harboring deep in my character were deficits and spiritual immaturities like impatience and judgmentalness toward myself (and others–though I pretended I was patient and accepting of them).  I also suffered from a huge lack of humility that manifest itself in a deep lust for others appreciation and admiration of me. 

Today, the Light of His Spirit keeps growing stronger and stronger in my mind and heart—the at-one-ment keeps becoming more and more effective in my life, and I am watching myself lose all obsession towards my previous addictions. And they are losing their hold on me (Satan is losing his hold through them.) Every morning feels like Christmas—and the one gift given new every day is the gift of my delivered, liberated self.  I have no idea how many years in mortality I have left to rejoice in this state of newness of life in Christ, but it doesn’t matter.  Just one day lived in His Spirit–in conscious contact with His counsel and comfort is as sweet as a thousand years.

MY LIFE IN ZION, AS ONE WITH CHRIST IN HEART AND MIND

May 1, 2009

9:05 a.m.  Wow!  I’ve had such a great morning–so conscious of the Savior’s abiding presence in my “midst.”  So grateful for the rock-solid hope and peace that gives me.  So grateful for how far and wide I can see from this “center stake of Zion”–that is always waiting for me to attend to “it” (to Him, His living, indwelling Presence in my heart.)  With complete abandon, I sought Him and found Him and remembered His covenant and entered into His rest.

In the last few minutes, I have been tempted to doubt and fear “my” audacity, “my” boldness in the testimony of (from) Him.  I shared it with Phil and I was not tempted to be ashamed, but just now–sharing with a dear friend–I was tempted to be ashamed after I hung up.  I was assailed with thoughts of, “Too much–you are too much!  You said too much!  You were overbearing.  You were defensive–defending yourself. Shame on you.”

And there I recognize the “Accuser,” the “Liar,” the “Blamer” and “Shaming one,”—Satan.  I recognize his influence.  His spirit. His tone.

And in heed of Elder Hales recent counsel (April 2009 conference address), I dismiss the enemy.  In the Name of Jesus Christ, I dismiss him and return to the testimony of (from) Christ and His invitation and counsel to me to not be ashamed or afraid of bearing testimony of my life in Him–that my life is sealed up unto Him and that I have no hope, no peace, no sanity–except as I center my heart and mind in oneness with His.  This is what it means to “have the mind of Christ” (1 Corinthians 2:16; Philippians 2:5-6) and the price extracted for it is the surrender of your separate ego, your pride, your will, your being.  I was there, once, and then backed away, being persuaded by the Liar that to think in these terms was too presumptuous, too audacious, that I was taking this “coming to Christ” too far, and making too much of it and what it meant to me—and to any who would believe on my word. 

What I am realizing in this latest season of reawakening to this reality in my life,  is that the Atonement, once received, cannot be undone.  It is comparable to having become like a conjoined twin with Him–conjoined at the heart and in the mind.  It is no longer I that live, but Christ that lives in me, as Paul put it (Galatians 2:20).

Galatians 2:20 –  I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

I see that I am having the lived experience of learning the Spirit of Revelation–learning, specifically, how “consumed in Christ” I must be humble enough be, and humble enough to admit to myself and even to others that I must be.  Otherwise, my life is “staunched,” stopped up, dried up in the very moment there of.  I can feel the change in my mind and heart from perfect love (and peace and hope) to fear and mistrust.

I see that there is no other way or means by which to grow into the Spirit of Revelation except by owning and being still in this truth—I am in Zion, as Zion, of one heart and mind with the King of Zion—and thus, in Him, I am Zion.  Just as we often tease, nowadays, and say, “Be the crown,” or “Be the ball,” meaning become as one with, become consumed in the goal, the prize.  So it is to be consumed in Christ and His offer of at-one-ment.

May 21, 2009
9:06 a.m.   I’m at my desk.  This is a first draft of my thoughts.  Not transcribed from handwritten notes.

I just read an article from Sheila Bender’s newsletter for 5/21/09.  It’s called “What the Moment Can Hold” by Abigail Thomas.  It is an excerpt from her book, Safekeeping: Some True Stories from a Life.

These are the lines that grabbed my heart and why.

“The first time I hold my daughter’s daughter I feel so sad. . . . the wrong emotion for this happy time, but I can’t help it.  I’m remembering when the baby in my arms was my daughter, when it was all still to come. So many things did not go as I would have wished.  There is so much I can’t undo.  The baby is beautiful, as my daughter was, as all my children were and are.  When I kiss my daughter she seems barely to feel it, seems almost to turn away.”

“I feel as if my daughter and I gaze at each other on opposite banks of some body of water.  ‘This is a happy time, Mom,’ she says, and I take it as a reproach.”

I identify with Thomas’ expression of distance from her adult daughter and the regret she feels that shadows the joy of holding her grandchild.  It speaks to me of the distance I feel from my children and how that gulf stands between me and them and thus between me and their children.  I can’t rejoice in their children, because there’s a broken link, a void, a distance between me and them.

Just yesterday, I happened onto my long forgotten link to John’s blog and found him saying how he couldn’t remember ever going to a park with his family.  I know that’s not true, but what does it matter what I know?  It’s what he “knows,” or in other words what he feels is true about his past.

And then the thought comes to me of what I am just now (at 60) finally learning–that while our past on the one hand is a set of immutable facts,  on the other hand those facts can be cast in a completely different light as our own character matures and outgrows the burden of self-pity and self-will.  Awakening to this truth has been happening for me, so very gradually and in such an ebbing and flowing pattern for the last 20 years.  It’s so amazing how we can grasp a more mature point of view for awhile, and then need to lapse back into our former immaturity.  It reminds me of the ocean–how the waves come in-and-out, in-and-out, but inevitably, the rising tide causes each wave to reach a little further onto the beach.

Anyway.  I too know I am remembering when the baby in my arms was my daughter or my son, and “when it was all to come.”  I too am remembering “So many things that did not go as I would have wished.”

(Four hours later.)

I just went to blogspot.com and started a blog just for my children and entitled it, “Twelve Jewels in My Crown:  A Chance to Remember and Be Glad.”

I pray that the hearts of my children and their mother can be turned to each other through this effort.

CH

I see that there way of worshiping and honoring God that is even higher and purer than thinking in terms of putting God first and then other portions of our lives second or third, etc.  It is to chose to put God, dead center, all the time, in every moment of our lives–no matter what else or who else we may appear to be attending to.  This is the living experience of the truth that I need to acknowledge God in and through all things (persons, places, situations).

And so, I see that it is yet another subtle fallacy–another subtle lie of the Liar–to be enticed into thinking in terms of putting God first and anything else separate from Him.

Dearest Lord, it is true, isn’t it?  You are in and through all things.  You are in and through every circumstance and every reality of my life.  Sometimes it is very hard to acknowledge Thy hand in all things.  After all, some things are pretty ugly and pretty painful.  I can’t help but ask, “How could God and His will and purposes be served by tragic things, murderous things, painful things?”  But, it is true, isn’t it Lord?  Your “hand” (meaning Your purpose, Your allowance, Your will) is being brought to pass in all instances, in all moments, in all circumstances of every single one of your children’s mortal lives–no matter how tragic or boring or peaceful or tumultuous any moment is.

To have this kind of faith is not something that I can “drum up,” (come up with) on my own.  It is a gift of God–instilled in my heart by the Holy Ghost–and it is a gift I pray for, Dearest Father in Heaven.  I desire to have a heart filled with trust of Thee.  Hard times are coming.  I pray to not be swept away to cynicism and mistrust of Thee.  In the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.